those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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