Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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