Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
