My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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