I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
