The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
