You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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