u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
