hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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