I am spending my child support on dildos
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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