I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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