o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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