you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
