Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
