somebody snuck up and got me drunk
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
