His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
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Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
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