i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
