I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
