I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
