I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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