the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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