its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
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