I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
