I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
