I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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