I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
