I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
