If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
