How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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