I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize
