so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
