That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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