if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
