I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
