I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
