Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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