just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
