What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
