dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I think my moral compass just broke
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
