I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
