So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
