can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
