Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
