So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
