Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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