I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
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We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
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Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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