Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
