why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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