Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
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The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize