Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
