Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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