that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And then my night got REAL pukey
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
