I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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