She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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